i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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