My friends, they love my intelligence
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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