i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
