remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
