Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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