Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
