youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
