I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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