i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
