Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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