he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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