Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
