Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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