Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My vagina just clenched in fear
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
