I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
third nipple confirmed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
