Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
