i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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