dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
