Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
