I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
