I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
