You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
