But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
