While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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