I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
