I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Randomize
