I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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