My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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