On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She is in my trunk
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
