i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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