I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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