Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
