Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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