I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
