Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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