im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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