my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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