Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she looked like the before picture.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
