I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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