The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
