The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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