Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sext me about skeletons
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
