where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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