I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
