do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
