I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
