It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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