I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
