Ambien. No doubt about it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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