saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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