I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
