No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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