M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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