My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
