pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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